A Letter to My Lover.
You will arrive one day, or perhaps you are already near.
And we will look upon one another with eyes of adoration
mixed with inevitable traces of fear.
When that happens, we will want to shower each other in rays of devotion,
in vows of all that could potentially become of us.
But I do not want to be elevated to a seat amongst the heavens
in the landscape of your romanticisms.
I do not want to be left to float at such a height that I could never maintain
where I would surely be destroyed for lack of oxygen and dirt.
One day in a distant future that may never come,
I do not want to stand before you with my head bowed
begging for forgiveness for who I have become or for who I have always been.
I do not want to feel myself smaller, restricted,
fearful that I could be a disappointment for being too much or not enough.
So I want to get to know you slowly, gently -
with no promises of tomorrow.
I want to unfold like wild flowers that only bloom by the changing light of the moon.
Quietly, mysteriously, with no need to arrive for anyone else -
existing just as we are, bathed in midnight.
I want to approach one another with curiosity and leisure -
as if the days could melt into one another,
or could not.
And we would hope for neither,
and meet whatever is our fate with faces and hearts of acceptance.
I want to peel back all the delicate layers of who we have each become
as if they could tear if tugged too briskly.
I’d like to hold each one up to a gentle and forgiving light
so that we could understand their curves and veins,
and the sutures of where we have been able to mend what has been broken.
So that we can approach with reverence where we each remain vulnerable.
I want to hear my voice undulate and crack with emotion and fear and genuine wonder
as we share our stories and listen with the attention of a lifetime.
I want to cry for your losses and I want mine to be honored and grieved.
And I want to see each other as the culmination, consequence, and conquering of all of those things that have lined the paths that are now crossing.
When you speak of your past lovers,
I want to hear the sweet and difficult twists in those relationships
and know what those teachers mean to the man who now stands before me.
Who did you lose too early? Who did you hold onto for too long, and why?
Who taught you to compromise or to fight or to love passionately?
Who scared you? Who scarred you?
As my trust flows a natural course,
I want to be seen completely for each ebb, each eddy, each fall into the abyss..
the places and parts of me that are free and wreckless
running into deep, dark pools that are powerful enough to frighten me.
I want you to know that I am a force of nature -
not so that you worship me,
although I suppose I want that, too.
But so that you understand that at times I will ignite from so many forms of rapture
and I will dazzle you.
I want you to truly know me so you are not surprised
when at other times I burrow deep within myself,
and this earth, and my female tribes.
And I will not always come out when you want to play or dream or lay with me.
Sometimes I will raise the heavens and you’ll swear I’m not of this planet.
And at other times a sadness, a darkness, a brokenness I’ve yet to heal
will descend upon me - and I may need, or cry, or scream.
For I am not a goddess of light and love and happily ever afters,
at least not just those things.
I am one of brimstone, cast-aside creatures, and aching, yearning souls.
I will call out into the wilderness and it will call back as only old friends do.
I will lay down into the dirt or jump naked into the freezing waters and
I will need a partner who gives me the space and freedom to do so graciously.
I will give to you my love-
this infinite, eternal, powerful love that does not belong solely to me -
and for that very reason could never belong solely to you.
For even though I will be loyal and committed and true,
my heart and soul and will are all destined to be shared and tested
until sometimes I am so weak with giving and knowing and impotency that I collapse.
And I will collapse into you.
I will need you to be a warrior, a dreamer, a shelter.
I will need you to be so sure of your love for me that you do not quake
from fear, or insecurity, or rage
when I fulfill all that I am promising here.
I will need a man who is strong enough to withstand the storms of life
and sensitive enough to face the world’s injustices head on,
a man who is willing to serve what is bigger than himself.
I will need a man who is brave enough to fall to his knees
when his heart and faith in humanity has been maimed and busted.
I will need a man who challenges me in all the right ways -
with kindness and compassion and adventure.
And I will love you with the fiercest and most tender love you can ever imagine.
I will be the soft pillow you return to, the warm heart that will encapsulate you,
the nectar that will nourish you.
I will love you.
But not yet.
For I do not know you and you do not know me.
We have a lifetime of catching up to do, of walls to slowly disintegrate.
We have quiet moments of looking straight into each other’s eyes to become accustomed.
We have evenings of exploration and letting go that have yet to come.
We have first encounters, and first resistance, and first laughter.
There are moments in our future that we cannot predict,
and joy and fear and obstacles.
And even if we recognize each other in the first instance of meeting,
we will take it slowly, gently, as if we have all the time in the world.
And we will see each other honestly and be seen.
This is the honest truth of all I seek in my partner. And if a man can read and absorb this whole long letter, that alone is impressive.
I read an essay in the last year that spoke to the nature of humans, women in particular, to project a fantasy onto our new lovers. We become so intoxicated in the potential greatness of this love or this person that we project a whole story of who and how and when. We become wrapped up in a fantasy and are blind to what is directly in front of us. Naturally, this happens to each of us, as well.
While it certainly is a heady concoction of fantasy and lust and hormones that we taste at the beginning, I want to drink in the purity of who someone is straight from the beginning. I want to allow them to be seen for who they are, and I want to be seen for who I am: imperfect, wild in all the most intense versions, overwhelmingly passionate, sensitive, full of convictions.. so many things I am both aware of and perhaps not.
This letter is me holding myself accountable here and now. It is my confession and my promise. May it attract to me the love that I deserve and the partner who will accept me and celebrate me. May it attract the man to whom I can give all of myself.